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The Grief That Stole Christmas: 6 Reminders for Stepfamilies


Discovering out the Christmas yarn repeatedly jogs my memory of the blessings we skills due to the God’s reward to us. But vacation seasons aren’t repeatedly merry for blended households. What if, alongside those blessings, there’s sadness this time of three hundred and sixty five days? What if our no longer-so-blended relationships, outsider emotions as a stepparent, or ongoing stress in our dwelling smother joy and leave us questioning when (or if) things will get well?

Specifically one day of the early years of stepfamily existence, holidays have a strategy of resurrecting distress from divorce, demise, or some totally different tragedy. Even whilst you’ve moved previous that onerous tournament, there’s a correct likelihood your children haven’t. You’re going to have the selection to be fascinated by your first plight of holidays together as a household, nonetheless your children or stepchildren are making an try to return to Christmases when Mother and Dad had been nonetheless together. They couldn’t affirm their distress aloud, nonetheless their behavior will focus on as an different.

Whenever you happen to or someone for your stepfamily is grieving this vacation season, don’t utter those emotions. Give yourself permission to be unhappy and resolve time for things that utter you joy. Acknowledge and acknowledge what your children and stepkids are going by device of moreover. Don’t demand them to stuff their sadness or arouse and raise out ordinary traditions as novel. Be ready for heightened emotions and unpredictable behavior. And demand God for additional doses of grace for you and your household if distress looms this three hundred and sixty five days.

Listed below are six reminders to get you by device of the season.

1. Even apt things can utter heartache

After marrying in October, Randy and I plunged straight into the vacation months—oblivious as to what lay forward with our four children, two ex-spouses, and emotions on overdrive. I changed into as soon as overjoyed at a 2d likelihood at matrimony after a failed marriage, nonetheless I wasn’t ready for the heartache that accompanied the unfamiliar land I had stepped into.

I had fond reminiscences as a toddler of deciding on out moral the correct tree with my household, decorating it with my three sisters, joy-stuffed laughter, and listening to the tunes of Christmas music taking half in in the background. That changed into as soon as the beautiful starting up achieve of a new vacation season.

But our tree-procuring as a blended household wasn’t rather the identical. We hustled to a end-by lot after work that first three hundred and sixty five days with four children in tow and a meager quantity of cash. Every tree Randy pulled out for consideration changed into as soon as criticized and nitpicked by someone. The next lot carried the identical recount; agreeing on moral the correct tree gave the impact inconceivable.

Lastly, we landed at the final lot on the town with Randy’s frustration mounting.  “Now we deserve to get a resolution right here, children,” he acknowledged. “We’ve hotfoot out of picks.” The resolution at final came by device of mounds of tears and bickering. The disharmony crushed my childhood reminiscences. And sadly, the next three hundred and sixty five days, Randy encouraged we skip that custom and procure an synthetic tree. Every three hundred and sixty five days following, our new custom grew to develop into pulling the tree out of the attic to dress. I grieved my unfulfilled expectation of what the starting up achieve of the vacation season will must nonetheless look care for.

2. Belief God

Irrespective of what God had achieved for me beforehand, I complained of my current atmosphere. My memory lapsed of how He walked with me by device of a dysfunctional marriage, a downhearted divorce, and demanding single parenting years. He then equipped a loving, estimable accomplice for one more likelihood at marriage.

But I acted care for the Israelites in the barren region who refused to believe God with their circumstances after God delivered them from Pharaoh. Caught between the advancing Egyptian military and the raging Crimson Sea, they cried out in alarm to Moses. “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you may perhaps maybe be have taken us away to die in the wasteland? What have you ever achieved to us in bringing us out of Egypt?” (Exodus 14: 11). They had been so centered on their current hardship they forgot what God had achieved for them beforehand and didn’t believe His provision for the long term.

How generally we raise out the identical. Even supposing God has walked with us by device of a muddled previous, coming into a demanding season all every other time as a stepfamily causes us to forget. We fail to believe He’ll present for us all every other time and as an different construct our dangle solutions that fail miserably.

God equipped for the Israelites with the miraculous parting of the Crimson Sea. The Israelites crossed over unharmed with a wall of water on either aspect. Following end in the abet of, the Egyptians drowned when the Lord swept them into the ocean. God equipped in ways the Israelites never anticipated, and He’ll raise out the identical for us. Irrespective of our doubts, His faithfulness never ceases.

3. Be inclined

We don’t care for to offer an rationalization for our unhappy self to others. Vulnerability takes courage. Now we deserve to inaugurate the curtain of our soul and enable others to head attempting our wounds and our bruises. But when we leave the curtains closed, light can never filter in.

We fetch an beautiful example of a relied on friendship in Luke 1 with the Christmas yarn. After Mary learns she is pregnant with Jesus by the ability of the Holy Spirit, the angel Gabriel goes on to piece one more miraculous pregnancy—her relative Elizabeth. It must were a perplexing time for Mary, nonetheless God straight informs her of someone in a identical downside. Mary leaves to seek recommendation from Elizabeth, touring by donkey roughly eighty miles away—a protracted poke for a pregnant lady! We aren’t knowledgeable why, nonetheless we can speculate that likely Mary is aware of Elizabeth will perceive her queer downside. Mary stays with Elizabeth three months and a rich friendship follows.

We had been created to be in relationship with every other. Ranking obedient of us you believe and piece your yarn of unmet expectations, vacation struggles, or desperate makes an try to believe God with circumstances you don’t care for. We would just like the consolation a relied on pal can offer, nonetheless they deserve to perceive we’re struggling first.

4. Like the suitable days

Every vacation season comprises apt days and hideous, excessive instances and low. Embody the suitable days and have a very good time the season. But don’t have your calendar with duties you couldn’t are making an try to resolve phase in on the demanding days. If the Sunday faculty gathering creates angst for you this time of three hundred and sixty five days, it’s ok to bow out. And even the household portrait session desires to be canceled this three hundred and sixty five days. Possess you ever noticed that blended households and image taking don’t appear to mix properly?

Attach your authorized vacation festivity and get time to revel in it. My of us had been married 65 years earlier than Mother passed away. Now, at 88 years feeble, Dad doesn’t have many days that consist of a pep in his step. But on his apt days, he delights in spending time at a end-by lake looking out at the fishermen, feeding the ducks, and savoring a picnic lunch. Effort nonetheless reveals up for him at the holidays, nonetheless he seeks to care for the suitable days with activities that utter which suggests to him.

Let your joy-stuffed days raise you by device of the unhappy ones this season. Whenever you stare your stepchild having a correct day, suggest a particular exercise or demand what they are making an try to raise out to have a very good time. Don’t let the suitable days accelerate by with out intentional effort in direction of a festive exercise, even though it’s as straightforward as making vacation cookies or singing a Christmas carol with those you like.

5. Let prayer swap you

Steeped in stepfamily distress at the time, I stared at the plaque on my pal’s wall, brooding about whether I agreed with it or no longer. “Prayer changes things,” it acknowledged. I desired to deem what I read, nonetheless my thoughts wandered to our circumstances—one more vacation season marked by sadness from unmet expectations and relationships that weren’t mixing.

That changed into as soon as 24 years ago, our 2d vacation together as a stepfamily. Wanting a totally different break consequence than the three hundred and sixty five days earlier than, I committed to preserve my heart of attention on Jesus and rely on His relieve with my challenges. I started on day by day basis with prayer and a devotion and ended on day by day basis by writing one thing to be cheerful about on my gratitude list. And one day of the day, if peace wandered away, I went abet to my morning devotion, talked to God, and requested for His relieve.

At the tip of that toddle back and forth season I be aware thinking, I made it with out losing my temper this three hundred and sixty five days. I maintained a mute spirit despite my distress and our no longer-so-ideal blended household. Thank you, Jesus.

And then I recalled the plaque. It wasn’t that prayer changed things. That three hundred and sixty five days, prayer changed me.

6. Scrutinize in direction of a new tomorrow

Rising a new ordinary for holidays takes time and handiest occurs after you’ve been allowed to grieve the feeble ordinary. I no longer feel unhappy when Randy drags the unreal tree from the attic. That grew to develop into a new ordinary for our household. And now, as empty nesters, we can procure a staunch tree all every other time—person that moral the two of us deserve to agree on!

That’s the elegance of new seasons. Whenever you happen to fetch yourself enveloped in distress this vacation season, remind yourself there’s repeatedly hope for a new tomorrow. God’s steadfast love and mercy by device of the passage of time relieve heal a grieving heart. There are brighter days forward.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never arrive to an end; they are new every morning; wide is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3: 22-23).


Copyright © 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Gayla Grace serves on group with FamilyLife Blended® and is obsessed with equipping blended households as a author and a speaker. She holds a master’s diploma in Psychology and Counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families and co-author of Nonetheless Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Gayla and her husband, Randy, were married since 1995 in a “his, hers, and ours” household. She is the mum to 3 young adult children and stepmom to two.

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